Are You a People Pleaser? How to Break Free and Find Yourself!

Published: July 30, 2024 - "I don't care about what others think of me." Might this be you anytime you face opposition? And can we be honest please, I am sure you do care, which is why I started this discussion. 

When you start a war inside yourself. @ZSageScrolls

In our weekly opinion poll from Kenya News Updates, we have prepared a discussion on the deadliest disease of being a people pleaser. If you love this discussion, join the conversation and share your thoughts on how this behavior affects our lives in the comment section.

Let's have an open forum. 

We've all told ourselves a bit of a white lie at some time or another.  But let's be real—most of us do care, probably more than we'd prefer to admit. The catch is, it's not really that you're supposed to seek approval for its own sake. It's important to understand what's really driving our need for it and what it's costing us.

Let me share my story. In my early twenties, I found myself caught in the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing. I remember constantly agreeing to things I didn't want to do and apologizing for things that weren't my fault, just to avoid disappointing others. It felt like I was always walking on eggshells, afraid of not meeting everyone's expectations. This relentless quest for approval drained me and made me lose sight of who I truly was.

Image:KNUdigital

Welcome to life as a reformed people-pleaser. You'll quite literally run on a treadmill of keeping up, desperate to meet everyone's expectations while brushing off yours. You apologize over things that aren't your fault, seeking validation in every 'thank you' and compliment. However, the satisfaction is momentary. The quest for approval becomes this hungry stomach, never quite satiated.

Here's the rub: what may please one person may very well annoy another. So you twist and twist, trying to please everyone, and in the process, lose a little more of yourself. The more you contort to meet others' expectations, the further you drift away from your core identity. Your self-respect chips away, piece by piece, until you turn around to look in that mirror and wonder who in the world that guy is.

It's often a journey that starts in adolescence, at times of heightened needs to belong and to be liked. It can spill well into adulthood, where now you're lying awake in bed replaying every interaction—convinced somehow you annoyed someone, and thinking how you might have done things differently. It is this constant, tiring circle of second guesses and self-doubt.

People-pleaser begging 

Truth is, however, being authentic does not mean that one never cares about what others think. Rather, it is looking after your values and needs at the top of the heap. It's all about being kind and considerate but not giving up on your character and opinions. Authenticity means embracing the unique qualities in you, even when they don't correspond to those around you.

Differences can be enriching. It could take arguments, disagreements, and debates within a relationship to yield deepness by layers of understanding and perspective. This entails that your different tastes, opinions, and views do not act as a barrier to connection but as opportunities. It's okay not to please everybody at all times—this does not make you a failure or unlikeable. It simply means you are human.

Well, this journey to authenticity begins with self-acceptance. Learn to love yourself, hiccups and all. This self-love lessens the need to seek external validation. When you have self-value, other people's opinions will not dictate your actions so much. You will find out that so many of them are going to appreciate you for who you are, and not everybody will, and that is perfectly okay.

Stop apologizing for being yourself. Apologies are only reserved for mistakes, not for existing ones. That is not your job—to dim your light so everybody gets comfortable. The quirks, the passions, your very essence—these are the things that make you, you. Own them unapologetically.

On the journey, remember: just because someone doesn't like you, it doesn't mean that you're unlikable. Just because someone doesn't understand you doesn't mean that you're misunderstood. Just because someone finds you annoying doesn't mean that you're annoying. Your worth is inherent. It's not defined by other people's perceptions.

The final step? Knowing you're lovable, acceptable, and likable because you choose to love, accept, and like yourself. Other people's feelings are merely affirmations of that truth, not its foundation.

A value for yourself

It's important because allied with your price, you can stop putting others ahead of yourself in ways that aren't healthy. It's about filling your cup first so that when you do give to others, you can be true to yourself and not lose yourself along the way. Step off that tiring treadmill of people-pleasing and commence this journey toward embracing your real self. 

Your authenticity is your greatest strength—own it, unapologetically.